I wake up horrified every day. I am attracted to guys. Every since I was 8 and learned to play with my dick I have been aroused by young hot men, just as I am today. It just feels wrong. Maybe it's my Christian upbringing. I masturbate every day and edge for hours, but afterwards I think of how I let my adoptive parents down. They had such high hopes for me to get married and have grandchildren. Instead, I hid from the world. I played the piano really well, got good grades in school, landed a nice job. Well, I am almost 42 now, and still a virgin. I have never tried to date women. It would only be a lie. I guess all there is for me now is masturbation and wishing there was some sort of an exit from this existence. Edging for hours is an amazing therapeutic drug that makes me imaging what it would be like to be loved and touched by a hot guy...and of course to touch him. Anal sex terrifies and horrifies me. Since my parents died I have told my gay friends about my feelings, but they cannot relate. They have lots of sex every week and can't relate. I just feel doomed to just sit and wait for life to be over with. I'm screwed. Game over!

I grew up in the deep south and I can understand some of what you are feeling. Do the best thing that you can for yourself and get some therapy. I've got a pretty good idea why you're having these problems but you don't want to hear it from me. GO get help so you can stop feeling so miserable and enjoy your life!

You're not alone, Rob. Lots of guys go through the exact same thing. It can tear you up all by itself, but thinking there's no way out (when there is) makes things seem so much worse. But you're not going to do it by yourself. NO ONE is an expert at life. EVERYone needs some expert advice getting through stuff sometimes. Find a therapist to talk to. They will keep it private. They deal with these things frequently. You have a long full life ahead of you, but you have to break out of the current cycle you're in to give yourself permission to live. Please, Rob. Do it.

You need to get counselling/therapy to push your "OMG I'm gay!" attitude into a little corner where it cannot hurt you anymore. What turns you on is what turns you on. If you had not received anti-gay messages when you were a child, you would be happily inviting cocks into your life and feeling ecstatic about them when they cum your way. I am fundamentally straight, but I love playing around with a cock and its balls--in addition to my own set--as much as playing with pussy. I do not know what that makes me and I don't care: I am just happy to be so aroused by cocks because they certainly offer sexual dimension that pussy cannot.

Thanks for considering my experience and offering your suggestions. Isn't it a bit too late to start my sex life at 41? Who is the world of gays that have dozens of partners per month would want me?

Therapy sorta scares me. Up until 1972, homosexuality was deemed a mental disorder in the gay guys were asked to get help with their "problem" of same sex attraction. Now everything is suddenly different?

Even though I have serious doubts, I don't want to slam the door on conservative Christianity and catholicism, just because it doesn't agree with what makes my cock hard when I masturbate. I know there are alot of gay affirming churches, but I feel they just delete everything in the Bible they don't like just to let the whole gay movement override things.

Politically, I could never join the gays. I don't agree with their ideas. I did vote for gay marraige in California.

I am afraid of losing my friends that believe homosexuality is sinful. I have a few gay friends who would probably stick by me, but I don't want to risk losing friends I have had since high school over a decision to be openly gay.

My age is also a big factor. I knew if I got old enough I would be so repulsive to gays that turn me on, that I wouldn't have to worry about getting into the habit of using guys for sexual release.

Perhaps my biggest reason for not coming out and try to find guys who would be with me is that I would never allow anal sex to be part of my life. To me it is a nauseating idea that I could never find arousing. My gay friends laugh at me, because I sorta want to be open and masturbate with guys; however, I don't want to submit to being fucked in the ass or have to put my cock in a nother guy's shithole.

You are getting hung up on labels and politicism and ageism and who knows what else. Just find someone who is cool with what you want to do sexually and do it. I do not self-identify as gay because I have zero interest in any aspect of any guy other than what is dangling between his legs. And on is NEVER too old to lose their virginity. In fact, your first sex partner might be quite tickled by the whole thing. What you have to realize is that all you are dealing with is attitude, and that can be modified.

Rob, have you ever fallen in love with another man? Cos thats what it means to be gay. Wanting to masturbate with another man isn't gay. Ask yourself, what does Rob believe in his heart, what does he believe to be true? If you get right down to it Jesus cared about whats in someones heart, thats were truth is. Live the life thats in you. BTW 1972 was a long time ago when psychiatry was primitive and mental health professionals have far better understanding now.

Rob, I feel compelled to agree with what others are saying here about seeing a therapist. As unhappy as you sound, it would be something nice to do for yourself. And what you say and do in a session, or the fact that you're there is nobody's business but yours.

I can assure you that there are thousands of other guys who have gone through similar processes in thinking about their lives. It just reaffirms the fact that being gay is not a choice --- you either are or you aren't. I think you do, however, have choice over whether you are ashamed of what you feel or who you are.

Your remarks about religion and politics remind me of a strong belief I have that I will offer to you: All gay people don't think the same way or have the same religious beliefs any more than straight people do. I happen to believe that the true essence of God is Love.... Love that is there for ALL of us! Also, I don't believe in any "gay movement". There are gay-related political issues; but not every gay person has the same opinions about those issues. You are free to join whatever political causes you like. There's no gay membership card. There's not even any requirement to go have anal sex, either!

One other thing: I FULLY understand not wanting to lose friends by being openly gay. I don't wear a sign stating my sexual desires or practices; but I have problems with any "friend" who would make judgments about who or how I am. I believe strongly that there are LOTS of people who will like and love you for who you are. Has nothing to do with sexual identity. My hope and wish for you is that, with help or without, you reach a place where you also love and embrace who you are. And, trust me, you are NOT too old for any of it!

I must agree with the others..First and foremost find out who you are. How do you know you are gay? You stated that not only are you virgin but you've denied yourself having a relationship of any kind,how do you know? I have several gay friends and they've all said the same thing, it's not the sex,but the emotional attraction defines it. You said you wouldn't even consider dating girls because it would be a lie to yourself and your parents, living your life in denial and fear of who you are or might be is an even bigger lie.
Your friends can help,they can and do understand.
If you really want to honour your parents,you need to live your life the best way you can be it gay straight or a bit of both. Speaking as a parent myself,that's what they would want you to do.
Help is out there Rob,you know that. Otherwise you wouldn't be here asking for our opinions. Find out WHO YOU ARE and then be happy!

I agree with the suggestion of therapy. You have a lot of issues/questions that cannot be answered/addressed in a place like jackinchat. Labels/diagnoses evolve as does the therapy field(the diagnostic manual is changing again). You can find someone to open up to who will guide you and help you to find/be the person you are meant to be. Please think about it