My wife and I have been happily married for 3 years. She knows I watch porn and jerk off. One of my brothers recently came out to us that he was bisexual, and lately she has been more and more curious about things. I was wondering how much you share with your wife. I am hoping to have an open discussion with my wife and here are the points I have prepared. Some thoughts I think are general and some just apply to me. What do you think?


If you would like to have an open honest discussion about porn, jerking off, sexuality, I would also like to, especially since you seem to have a lot of questions for me about this. I don't want to do that if it's going to be or make things "weird" because I don't think they need to be because of any of this. If we have to have a part of our relationship be that we just love and trust each other and that we don't need to talk about anything more then that is okay with me. But I also think it would be okay for us if we had open conversations and were honest about things. Just know that if you want to know about this stuff then you have to be prepared for honesty in what I tell you and be able to hear all of it. It's hard to explain any of it if you pick and choose your questions.

Starting Thoughts
*I love you, I love having sex with you, and I love being married to you.
*I am a guy and horny a lot of the time.
*Guys are also very visual creatures.
*Watching porn is about getting aroused and getting off.
*I don't like talking about this with you because I feel embarrassed.
*Sometimes, I also feel like you will judge me.
*I want to be able to talk about all of these things with you but sometimes it is difficult because of how I feel when you ask me about it. By that I mean that you sometimes have this look or sense of being worried about things and I don't want you to be.
*I also don't want to not trust me or have questions in your mind in the future though.
*Again, I love you, I love having sex with you, and I love being married to you. I don't want you to feel like you are threatened in any way.
*Telling you or talking with you about these things will probably open up more questions, and I think that's a good thing. Hopefully we can just be open about things and continue to have further conversations.
*It would also be helpful to me if you would make every effort to be open about yourself.

First the topic of porn:
*Again, porn is about getting aroused and getting off. All guys watch porn.
*Watching a certain porn or kind of porn does not mean that's what a guy really likes, it's just fantasy often.
*Some guys are always looking for something different. Some guys like that some things seem taboo. Some guys are just curious about things.
*I have watched lots of different kinds of porn.
*I have watched women alone, men alone, men with women, women with women, men with men, groups of people. I think most guys have watched all of this kind of porn before.
*I like watching most of these different kinds of porn because for whatever reason it gets me aroused, whether that's because I like what I'm seeing, there's something in my brain that subconsciously likes it, or because my primitive brain says “look they are ejaculating…you should be ejaculating:, or I'm just really really horny because it's been a few days (or maybe just one).
*Would you rather me be looking at men, women, or both? Amateurs or celebrities? Maybe I should consider these things, but when I'm looking at porn I don't really think about it; I'm just thinking about how hard my penis is, how horny I am, and how good I feel.
*Gay porn (men having sex with men) is the one thing that is kind of gross to me but if it weren’t I think I would still think it was just porn and a tool to get off. I wouldn’t judge, label, or conclude something about the person based solely on that. I don't think it necessarily reflects your sexuality or who you are.
*There are lots of other types of porn/fetishes out there that I don't watch because I think they are weird. Haha. Again, I think to each his own as long as it isn’t illegal.
*It's okay with me if you don't want to watch porn. I think it would be fun to watch it together even if just for a little bit to get aroused (obviously you know that I don't need it to get aroused since I can spring a hardon almost any time of day), but if you never wanted to that would be fine too.
*Just know that I will still look at porn. Haha.

Now, jerking off:
*Guys really like to jerk off. It's the first experience we have with orgasm and it's something I'll probably never stop doing.
*This has nothing to do with whether or not I love you or are satisfied by you or want to have sex with you (granted if we aren't having sex much, I'll probably jerk off more). Guys just enjoy playing with their penises and we are really good at it. *This is partly because we know what feels good and we can control when we go over the edge.
*I have jerked off countless times and many places, some places that you wouldn’t imagine.
*I have chatted online with other guys about these topics, porn, jerking off, etc. Guys like to talk about this stuff: what they like about a certain porn video, how they jerk off, what gets them the most turned on when they are with someone, etc.
*Chatting online lets you talk about it when you otherwise might not be able to. It's not like I have tons of close guy friends right now and even if I did it is sometimes taboo to bring up in person. I guess because of the shelter of anonymity, guys are less bothered by it on the Internet.
*Talking about this stuff with guys makes me feel like a guy - because all guys do it. It seems like a guy thing to do. For some silly reason we don't talk about it; it’s taboo. We try to hide it, or say things like I got "caught" jerking off when really you are just doing something normal that we all do.
*I have jerked off with other guys before while chatting. I have also jerked off on camera before with other guys, mostly before we were married but a few times since then (Mostly I haven’t done this not because I necessarily think it is wrong, but because I felt like it might bother you so it wouldn't be fair to you). I don't see this as a "sexual" thing, just as guys being guys and getting off.
*It is a male bonding sort of thing. You know how good that other guy is feeling at the time. I understand if you don't understand this because I don't think that women really can fully understand it.
*I have also jerked off with other guys in real life while watching porn in the past. Though this is not a universal experience I think many guys have had (are having?) this experience. It is also a male bonding sort of experience.
*I also really want to feel confident in my body and my penis. Even if I don't fully believe it, I like to see pictures of myself and think, "Yeah, I'm a stud." When you appear bothered by my penis or naked body it doesn’t make me feel good or like a man and that just makes this worse. And, oh yeah, as you know I really like to be naked most of the time.
*Along these lines, I’ve taken pictures of my body, my penis, and myself jerking off. I’ve even taken video before. Again, I want to feel confident in myself and like looking at these pictures and have jerked off to myself jerking off before.
*I like to think that you would also like looking at these pictures but you don’t seem to. I’m okay with it but I wonder why sometimes (given my uncanny resemblance to a Greek god)
*I have shared these sorts of pictures with other people before and people have shared them with me. Some of this is curiosity, some of it is being horny, and some of it is getting off thinking that I turn them on.
*I have never shared pictures of you and never would without your permission.
*In general, I, and I think most guys, don't really see jerking off as something "sexual" as much as just something fun, just getting off. There is nothing else involved but you; no baggage, no feelings, no worries, just getting off.
*I don't know if that makes sense, but if you were a guy it would make sense. Haha
*Again, I will probably always jerk off. If you want to help sometimes, that's great too!

Last, Sexuality:
*I don't know completely how I feel about sexuality except that sometimes labels are just labels and how can they really explain a person's true sexuality.
*I don't think all people are only homosexual, heterosexual, or bisexual. I think there is a continuum and everyone falls somewhere along that continuum.
*I also think there are differences between how a person thinks about their own and the opposite gender relating to what you are attracted to and what you think about them emotionally and sexually.
*Men also seem to separate emotions from sex more than women do. I think there are definitely people, men and women alike (but mostly men probably), that do things just to get off. It feels good so they do it, regardless of with whom they are doing this
*You seem to have a lot of questions about my sexuality lately, so I will talk a little about that.
*Hopefully, the fact that I love having sex with you helps you with some of this. Haha
*Again, I have watched all kinds of porn and jerked off to all kinds of porn, but I don't necessarily equate what porn someone watches how they see their sexuality.
* Obviously I am okay with the fact that some guys have sex with guys because they are gay, but again, guys having sex with guys is kind of gross to me.
*Guys getting off is not gross to me so I guess that's why seeing guys get off or jerking off with another guy is not gross to me. Getting off is a fun and great thing. I really like getting off, actually. Haha
*There are men that I find attractive or good-looking. I think most, if not all, men could say the same thing and if they say they don't it's often because of the society they live in, a need to feel masculine, or fear of being seen as homosexual.
*I also think fit, athletic men are better looking than overweight men.
*I don't think any of this means that I am "sexually" attracted to men nor do I want to have sex with a man.
*For whatever reason, like most men I guess, women making out with or having sex with other women is not gross to me.
*I AM sexually attracted to women and want to have sex with women, but just one and that's you.
*Based on what I have told you, I don’t know how other people would label me: straight, bisexual, or whatever. If I was forced to put myself on the continuum I guess I would say I was almost completely, if not all, straight. But really, does the label matter to me? No, not really. I am who I am

Now, about us:
*Hopefully, talking about these things and being honest about them has been a good thing. I think it is.
*If all of that stuff about my sexuality wasn't clear enough, I'll put it this way, since I feel like you have been overly and weirdly curious lately: I have never had sex with a man and have no desire to have sex with a man.
*But even if I did, I would hope that it wouldn’t matter. I still love you, I love having sex with you, I want to have a family with you, I love being married to you, and I’m committed to you so I would hope that would be enough to make you feel comfortable in our relationship.
*If there were things that I have talked about that you don't want me to do (watching porn, chatting, whatever) again in the future, I would hope that we could openly talk about that as well. While I don't think anything I've done is wrong (and like I said, I won’t be able to stop jerking off), if it makes you uncomfortable, I would definitely be willing to talk about it, because you are the person and thing that matter most of all in my life!

Very thoughtful and very articulately put. I agree with everything wrote. My wife and I have been married two years and she knows I look at porn and that I jerk off. She said that as long as I don't do it instead of having sex with her (in other words in addition to - she's not around, that time of the month, not in the mood, etc.) it's not a problem. When I start prefering to masturbate and/or look at porn INSTEAD of her is when it would become a problem. Fortunately, that isn't an issue. I'm MUCH, MUCH, MUCH rather see her naked than some strange online or on film, and I'd MUCH, MUCH, MUCH rather have sex with her (any kind, intercourse, oral, manual) than I would jerk off. I also know that she looks at porn and masturbates (under the same guidelines as I mentioned for myself.) We don't discuss it much, but we do have this understanding. We do discuss our sexlife very openly and matter-of-factly. We have very similiar (identical) sexual interests and tastes. We both love giving and receiving oral sex, mainly as foreplay, but sometimes to completion, we have similar sex drives so we want it about the same amount. And most of all I love her very much and love having sex with her. Life is good for me in the sex and relationship department. Very, very good.

damn, so happy i'm not married hahaha....

but in relation to your post i feel honesty is the most important thing in any relationship, sex is a close second...

my bet is she'll get down if you put it out there.

if i wanted to read a novel i would buy one. as for here i want to cum and make cum

Really cool post man! Although you might be overthinking sex and masturbation just a little bit.

My wife knows I jerk off and watch porn, but I'd never tell how how much I love cock. She'd freak out.

Anything you say can and will be used against you at some point. Say what you need to. You have been married 3 years and later on she might want a divorce and use some of this as ammuntion or just be jealous of when you go to watch a football game with your friend... Be open and honest to a point, she doesnt need to know every fantasy you have

I agree. My wife knows some of my freaky fantasies, she just doesn't know I've done most of them.

i didnt read ur whole post but i agree with this guy.. to an extent.. it depends on how sexually adventurous and open ur wife is.. only u would know that.. she might be totally open to the idea or she might freak out sooo only u can know what u imagine she would take ..

I actually commend you on your candid approach with the wife. You have FAR more courage than the majority of married men on here and for that I applaud you. Masturbation is a natural thing and dont think that women dont enjoy it too sometimes (or quite often). A frank discussion about such things usually helps maintain a healthy and prolonged union because she knows she can trust you and that you are not one to hide things from her. Well done.

Great first post garegularguy! My feeling is that my wife should just know the things she needs to know. Before our marriage, she had to know that I’m highly sexed. That we’d be fucking a lot. But that married sex would never be enough for me. I would also need to masturbate frequently, and would be using hard core kinky porn and toys. During our courtship, I discovered her deeply submissive nature, and she definitely discovered my dominant nature. So that came to define our sexual relationship. She accepted that I would be in control in the bedroom.

She’s by nature open and outgoing, and I know her like a book. She absolutely can’t keep a secret from me. On my side, there are some things she doesn’t know, and that I’ll keep her totally in the dark about. An understanding about masturbation was never a problem. But on another important sexual issue, she’ll never know about the women I meet for recreational sex while on frequent business travel. And when I get home, sometimes after one or more one night stands, she greets me with open arms and open legs. Love that domination/submission arrangement!

Garegularguy, I appreciate you wanting to be completely open and honest with your wife. Honesty is a huge part of a marriage. I can't tell you what will work in your situation, but I'll share what works in mine. We're both open with each other, but we both realize there's still a point for us to have some sense of privacy. For instance, we've both kept journals; it's not about keeping secrets, but rather there's a mutual respect of that privacy so we can be as forth telling in our writings as we want to be. Likewise masturbation falls in that same guideline for us. We both masturbate and we both view that as each others private intimate time. We both want to be able to fantasize to make it a good experience and she also knows I look at porn for the same reason. It's really twofold; having that privacy allows us to be free and open with ourselves so we can enjoy masturbating to the fullest and at the same time I don't necessarily want to hear her share with me that she got off thinking she's having sex with George clooney and she isn't going to want to hear I fantasized about having an affair with one of her friends or co workers. I guess long story shrt is it's ok to have something's private and that doesn't mean it about not being honest or keeping secrets.

My wife knows I JO since she caught me. She suspects I do it every time she leaves me alone which is about right. She also thinks I wach porn which I do. Right now she is in the other room watching TV while she thinks I'm watching football in another room. She doesn't approve of eighter one. I JO about 3 times a week while I have sex (HJ and BJ )with her about 3 times a month.