This is a side discussion regarding http://jackinchat.com/viewthread.php?tID=4592#16 where SecretSecret asked about the importance of feeling desired.

It's certainly important to feel desired by someone, especially when in a relationship. I recently ran into a major problem in that I think someone at work has inappropriate feelings for me. She's a wonderful woman, very attractive with a great personality. We also have a lot in common. The problem is she's married and I'm happily and monogamously married. I don't know how I should feel. I like being desired and she's a great friend. On the other hand, she's not worth ruining my marriage for. I enjoy the sexual tension and I think she does as well, but I simultaneously know it's a serious problem because it's occurring in the office.

Lately, she's been telling me about her encounters with her husband and other women over IM in humorous innuendo, which gets a little more explicit (less humorous, more erotic) each day. I enjoy reading the messages, but it's a bit odd having an erection in the office, especially to a woman 100 feet away. I also can't tell if she's exploiting the sexual tension or just bragging to be "cool." She's a bit of a "free-spirit" and sometimes really lacks judgment. It's important to note that her erotic discussions never involve me doing anything to her.

Should I do something? At what point should I take action? I don't want to have sex with her. I still desire my wife more than all other women, including her. She's just becoming a really good friend. In college, I had lots of friends like her and it wasn't an issue because I was single. Now that I'm married, I don't know what to do. I know my wife wouldn't appreciate me IM-ing someone I see daily, so I can't talk to her about this. I know I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm not being unfaithful. I'm not even flirting with this office mate. Yet I know what I am doing probably isn't a good idea.

Any thoughts?

In the eyes of the law, what she is doing is sexual harassment. Yes, it is possible for a woman to do it towards a man. The internal strife it is causing you is reason enough to have her stop. Plus if you are doing this at work, on work computers, it is very possible that these conversations could be monitored at some point, then you would both most likely have serious consequences.

HW,

You need to politely tell her to stop. You value your friendship with her, and moreso, your marriage. Continuing this kind of activity is going to take you down a path that, eventually, you may not be able to turn back from. It's possible that you'll lose not only a friend, but destroy a marriage (and family if you have kids).

I'm speaking from personal experience...and experiences of others I've seen first hand.

Ben, that's good advice about the monitoring. In my specific case, she's a consultant, so her computer is her own computer and we're chatting over a 3rd-party IM network without a proxy server. My company would have to sniff packets to monitor my messages. I am confident our IT department is not this competent.

So far, I still have some time to think. Since the innuendos are over IM, no one else knows about them (except for anonymous strangers on jackinchat). I know that as soon as my coworkers find out, I need to take more drastic action as what were were doing became well known, she'd lose her job, and I'd develop a reputation I don't want (I'm difficult to replace, she's new and isn't). I happen to work in an office where everyone socializes regularly after hours, so they all know my wife. I think for my wife, it would be more humiliating for her to have everyone think I'm cheating on her than for me to simply have chats that have crossed the boundary with a good friend.

The turmoil has a lot to do with being a horny male. When I was single, I was desperate for attention like this as well as sex of any sort. I never learned how to parry the advances of women because it never was a problem. It also doesn't help that I'm an engineer and there are very few women in engineering. When you're around nerdy guys all day, any woman's attention suddenly becomes a bit more valuable.

I think most of confusion over female sexuality is due to gender-based approaches to mating. I consider myself an attractive individual, but when women show interest, they are very subtle. Most women are not forward in expressing interest, they make conversation and let it escalate to flirting, giving them an easy way to escape rejection (I wasn't coming on to him, I was making conversation). The end result is that most men have no clue how many (or few) women desire them. Also, women are generally very good about not developing feelings for men with wedding rings. Therefore, I'm 30 and have never had to reject a woman that I actually like on a friendship level.

Presently, when she crosses the line, I deflect her comments with humor. I still suspect that she's just not used to conventional office protocol and doesn't realize that talking about 3-ways you're planning is not a conversation you want to have with a male coworker you've only known for 2 weeks. As foolish as it sound when I type it, I like her and don't want her to stop talking to me or have to feel she can't talk to me about most things. Generally, I don't mind subtle sexual references in conversation during business hours.

I'm only worried about what to do if this goes to another level that involves me in the innuendos or her flirting with me. Mild office flirtation with clear boundaries is exhilarating. Developing actual feelings for a coworker is disastrous when either of you are unavailable.

I have worked in such an office environ for many years. I can tell you that you had better have a heart to heart with that young lady, or you can kiss your wife and career good-bye.

I have to agree. If you have only known her for about 2 weeks now, and she is already openly talking with you about things like 3 ways, or anything sexual in nature for that matter, than it's definately because she is intersted. And for some women, the fact that you ARE married is all the more turn-on. She may be somewhat unhappy in her own marriage and is looking for another married partner to justify fooling around in her mind.

I just think you should let her know that you value her friendship and ask that that, in order to keep things that way, you'd like to stop the sexual related conversations because you're just not comfortable with it, especially in the work environment. Good luck.

Delete her IM address and tell her why, simple as that.

Onan, that was way too easy. We need to complicae it a little more.

HardWood....I suppose we can talk about this more later, but my initial reaction is that if you truly don't want to cross the line with this co-worker, then you need to take a step back and realize this is not appropriate. Being desired is nice, of course, but workplace interaction like this generally doesn't end well. And just a side note, trying not to be judgemental, I personally think it's odd to share such personal sexual things with someone you just met...in the workplace. So my advice is to be careful, you may be playing with fire. TTYS!

I agree that you should just separate yourself from her. I'm all for being honest, but I don't think explaining things to her is the way to go, you are hoping that she'll understand, or that she is in the same place as you emotionally.

Did you say that she is relatively new to the company? If so she's come in and seen a man she finds attractive and ignored that fact that you're married, that suggests a slightly predatory personality to me. Clearly she is more forward than the average woman, so we can assume she'll take more risks also.

Plus you say that she is easily replaceable, while you are not, I'm sure that if you realize this, she does too, thus you have more to lose than she does. I'm not suggesting that she is some evil woman who will turn into a bunny boiler (fatal attraction) at the merest whiff of rejection, but you shouldn't take that risk over something so small.

And I would be concerned about using an IM program in work, messages can be stored and chosen selectively by you or her. Anyone could compile any kind of conversation they like from stored messages. And it's incredibly easy to misunderstand the point of a message, or to trick a person into saying something that they didn't actually mean to say.
Next time you receive a message you think is a bit too graphic for a female friend to be sending you, change the subject or make an excuse and shut it off.

The best way to do it is to step away gradually, in my opinion. Let her know what is an acceptable boundary for your friendship by switching off when she steps over that line. Bring in more discussion about your family and children. Act toward her as you would any other female friend.
This may have been the problem, she was testing your limits to see if you are as open as she is, and you have allowed the relationship to become so open that it now feels like something else. She may only think that she has found a really open and honest friend who she can talk about anything with, or she may be hoping that you're not happy in your marriage and she's found a willing sexual partner.

I am pretty certain that she'll find another guy to focus her attentions on once she realizes that you are happily married and that you have boundaries for female friends. Perhaps there is another *single* guy in the office you could bring to her attention?

Good luck with it, and let us know what happens.

Onan, in some situations, that would be the answer, but the important detail is that she's a coworker. If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, you'd make yourself an enemy in the office and introduce unnecessary public drama if you were to be so hostile.

pghguynh, eddy, BiDallas44, and secretsecret have the right idea on how to make her stop. If I wanted her to stop, it would be optimal to discreetly tell her that I like her as a friend, but I'm not comfortable talking about those things. I would simply want her to stop, not humiliate her. Part of me thinks she simply lacks judgment and meant no harm. I can tell she has a few psychological issues.

I really don't mind if people talk about their sex lives, I just don't want her flirting with me sexually. I don't want that temptation in my life.

My turmoil is more that I feel guilty for enjoying her general attention so much. Not on a sexual level, but more on a personal level. As secretsecret said, I'm probably playing with fire. I keep asking myself why is this wrong and what did I do? I keep coming up with blanks intellectually, but am on the road to developing an ulcer.

Being a man, I think there is a gender-specific issue in handling attention from ladies. I think this woman & I have a genuine connection and chemistry as friends. 9 years ago, before I met my wife, I would have tried to date her. However, it seems silly to say that now that I'm married, I can't be friends with women I would have dated.

I think that's a major theme of the dilemma. What are the appropriate boundaries of friendship?

My wife talks about sex with her friends (female), a tiny few of which are coworkers (although I doubt she talks about sex in the office). She looks forward to their IMs. Intellectually, I find it hard to distinguish between the two cases. She's not wanting to sleep with these friends and I'm not wanting sex from this woman.

There's also the marriage-specific issues. Your wife is your wife. In the best of circumstances, she's your life partner and also the one who may remind you to "mind the budget," "do the dishes," etc. She's in it for the long-haul. She's more comfortable with her appearance and true personality around you (in a good marriage). Your relationship becomes much more mundane because it doesn't require spice, drama, and romance to fuel it.

Anytime someone new vies for your attention (appropriately or inappropriately), it's a bit like dating. This new person thinks you're much more interesting than you really are. You have lively conversations, etc. She's on her best behavior and hides most of her negative personality traits. There's a "romance" with meeting anyone new. With other individuals, the "romance" wears off as you get to know them better and realize that they're not as appealing as you initially thought. In other words, you mutually give each other the benefit of the doubt.

I keep feeling that as an adult, I need to be able to make friendships with attractive women without feeling guilty.

I'm going to take the advice of the posters and have a talk with this woman the next time she makes me uncomfortable.

However, I posted this because I personally find the questions brought up by gender and sexual boundaries to be interesting.

It's an issue I find difficult to deal with as a man. 9 years ago, I would have been happy for any attention from a lovely lady. Now I find myself having to make important decisions.

Hmmmm....sidenote, I just have to say that it's really interesting to me to have men comment on this and have so much to say...it's refreshing.

Honestly, it sounds to me like you know your "friendship" with this woman isn't right, but you're trying to convince yourself that you, as an adult male, "should" be able to have friendships with adult women. Well, that may be true, but I'll tell ya, I'll challenge ya to find a wife that is happy of her husband's new female friend that he IM's with all day at work about sexual things.

I mean I totally understand feeling desireable by people other than your spouse is a rush, especially if it doesn't happen a lot. It's like you don't want it to stop, because who knows when (if) it will happen again. But when I think about it in my heart of hearts, I know it isn't right. And it seems like you know that due, hense the internal conflict you're having. Good luck and keep us posted!

It's a confusing issue, but I think we have established that if she makes you feel uncomfortable, she should stop. Why you feel uncomfortable is clearly just down to social boundaries that you have developed over the years.

This is not something I'd usually say, but maybe you're just analyzing it too much and confusing the problem even further. I often think that if we acted on impulse rather than how we're told we should act, maybe life would be a lot easier.

Are you friends or coworkers? I don't even talk like that to my friends so WHY in the world would I with a coworker who I barely know?

Tell her that certain topics are not appropriate for the work environment and that you're married. Maybe in the past no one has had the balls enough to tell her she's being highly inappropriate and unprofessional, "Free spirit" or not.

I too think you're over analysing HW69 - or are you really flattered to hell and this is a macho vanity thing?

If you really value your wife/marriage young man you should be no problem whatsoever telling this co-worker that you are not happy/impressed with the way the exchanges are going and that you are calling a halt. Any possible embarrassment she may feel will be a private matter between herself and her conscience. Don't email, speak to her face to face.

No shilly-shallying - do it - the longer you leave resolving this silliness the more difficult it is going to become.